Starting Monday and for the following twelve days, twelve different authors will be giving away naughty books to my naughty readers! You know who you are.
How do we celebrate the holiday season here at Smexy Books? We turn a nice wholesome Christmas poem, into something smutty.
Twas The Night Before Smexymas – by Mandi
Twas the night before Smexymas, and all through the house
Everyone was stirring, except for the mouse.
The handcuffs were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Smexy Claus soon would be there.
The heroines were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of spankings danced in their heads
And Vishous in his leathers, and me in my chaps
Had just settled down for a long winters..ummm.. “nap”
The lustful romance had made such a clatter
Bones burst in to see what was the matter
Onto the bed, I was thrown in a blast
While Vishous and Bones met with a clash.
When, what to my wandering hand should appear
But a smexy sleigh and eight massive reindeer shifters
With a muscled sexy driver, so hairy and quick
I knew in a moment in must be Smexy Nick
Now Adam, now Hawke, now Clay and Derek!
On Garreth! On Vane! On Bran and Erik!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of lube, and St. Smexy Claus too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The strutting and pawing, of each massive hoof
As I drew my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Smexy Claus came with a bound.
He was barely dressed, from his head to his foot
He must have lost his clothes from the ashes and soot
A bundle of sex toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a smut peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes – how they darkened! His dimples how merry!
His (butt)cheeks were like roses, his cock like a cherry!
His sumptuous little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as soft as the snow.
The stump of his ciggy, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke- it encircled his head like a beast
He had a broad face, and a tight, firm belly,
I wanted to lick him all over all covered in jelly.
He was tall, and strong, a massive young elf,
And I orgasmed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his “head” (you know which one)
Soon gave me to know I have nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled me all up, as he came with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving one last thrust, up my chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his shifters he gave a nod,
And away they all flew, damn he had a hot bod.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
”Happy Smexymas to all, and to all a smutty-night!”
Smexy Claus will be back on Monday!
December 8, 2010 at 2:02 pm
That was..amazing
I think this might be my fav
I wanted to lick him all over all covered in jelly.
December 8, 2010 at 2:05 pm
ROFL That was hilarious!!! Nicely done, LOVES IT!!!
Glad your shifters rhyming worked out! I was excited to see how you made it work. Nicely done!! =)
December 8, 2010 at 2:07 pm
On of the best posts of the year! Genius post! lol
December 8, 2010 at 2:09 pm
I'm dying. DYING! I love this so. LOVE!
December 8, 2010 at 2:09 pm
OMG. This is a thing of beauty.
December 8, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Perfection!
You had me at V and Bones.
December 8, 2010 at 2:16 pm
I.LOVE.THIS
LOL
December 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Wow, that was genius!! You need to write one where Bob Cratchit and Scrooge have hot m/m love and adopt Tiny Tim together while Mrs Cratchit "rules" the counting house with a whip and a holiday goose;) Move over Hallmark Smexy's takin' over the holiday programming.
December 8, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Sounds like my kind of party!
I remade this poem for my event, too! But it wasn't nearly as smexy!
Only the part that went like this:
"The romance readers were nestled all snug in their beds,
as horny lords and ladies danced in their heads"
… I think we have a similar tracked mind
Can't wait for the fun to begin!!!
December 8, 2010 at 2:21 pm
hehe..I had fun
Sarah – YOU need to write that…snort.
Rita – HA! I like that line
December 8, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Fabulous. Simply FABULOUS!!!!! Love this re-mix so hard
December 8, 2010 at 2:36 pm
I love you SmexyClaus!! And you too Mandi!! xoxo
December 8, 2010 at 2:41 pm
Dude, you are totally on the naughty list.
December 8, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Wow! That was amazing. Anyone else feel hot in here?
December 8, 2010 at 2:49 pm
Hehehe, I love this!
~Ailsa
December 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm
lol….love it!
Can't wait for next week!
December 8, 2010 at 2:56 pm
LMAO now THAT is my kind of holiday! If this is just a preview next week should be mighty nice for the naughty.
December 8, 2010 at 2:58 pm
This is so perfect! LOL! Great poem! ;D
December 8, 2010 at 3:17 pm
Best. Holiday. Smutty. Poem. Evah!
December 8, 2010 at 3:25 pm
Wow, brilliant!! Very naughty; nicely done.
December 8, 2010 at 3:32 pm
A.W.E.S.O.M.E!
December 8, 2010 at 3:34 pm
OMG this was so funny!! I love it!
December 8, 2010 at 3:57 pm
that was FAN F*CKING TASTIC!!!!!!
Awesome stuff….I'm glad you've a smutty mind:)
Cath
December 8, 2010 at 4:11 pm
*thud!*
Mandi that was WAW!!!!!
holy smexy claus!
U had me at Vishous!!!
I love it!!! Totally love it!!!
December 8, 2010 at 4:11 pm
*thud!*
Mandi that was WAW!!!!!
holy smexy claus!
U had me at Vishous!!!
I love it!!! Totally love it!!!
December 8, 2010 at 4:13 pm
haha..Thanks!
December 8, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Can't…. breathe…. laughing… too…. hard….!!
XD
<3,
-J
December 8, 2010 at 4:32 pm
Hehehe, now that is a poem worth reading every year. V and Bones fighting? Are they shirtless and covered in body oil?
Stephanie G
Paranormal Haven
December 8, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Omg that was great! lol Clever, clever girl.
December 8, 2010 at 4:47 pm
Too funny!
December 8, 2010 at 4:48 pm
LMAO! That was great!
December 8, 2010 at 5:00 pm
*pees in pants* That was so freaking awesome!
I've been naughty… Can Smexy Claus come to my house?
December 8, 2010 at 5:01 pm
That was hilarious! I actually snorted at the "up my chimney he rose" comment. Brilliant Mandi! You are my smutty hero:)
December 8, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Yes – Smexy Claus will come visit all of you
December 8, 2010 at 5:20 pm
Wow!!! That was fantasitc.
For one you are way talented to be able to write that and for two I don't think I'll ever hear "Twas the night before Christmas" without new thoughts going through my head! Nice start to the Christmas season!
December 8, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Fantastic! I wish Smexy Claus would show up at my house.
December 8, 2010 at 6:32 pm
That was brilliant! You take Christmas to a whole new level. I want to be on that naughty list;)
December 8, 2010 at 6:35 pm
*applause* *applause* *applause*
December 8, 2010 at 7:53 pm
in Oprah voice: LOOOOOOOOVE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
December 8, 2010 at 8:01 pm
LOL! Love it!
December 8, 2010 at 8:03 pm
LOL! The poem is fantastic!
December 8, 2010 at 8:14 pm
I am blushing and laughing really hard right now. Fabulous job Mandi. Really very funny!
December 8, 2010 at 8:38 pm
Hahaha!! While my kids are writing to Santa Clause, I'll be writing my own letter to Smexy Clause
This was awesome!
December 8, 2010 at 8:50 pm
His cock like a cherry? Smexy Claus has a small peen?
Lmao
I want one of Claus's shifters under my tree.
December 8, 2010 at 9:19 pm
Smexy Nick and his eight massive…shifters?! OMG. Christmas will never be the same. I love it!
December 8, 2010 at 9:20 pm
Your awesomeness knows no bounds! Love it!
December 8, 2010 at 9:21 pm
The. Best. Post. Ever.
Thank you for sharing!
December 8, 2010 at 10:32 pm
You get a seriously big, um…cookie for this post.
Kudos to your awesomeness. Thanks for the laughs!
December 8, 2010 at 10:39 pm
LMAO Mandi! That's perfect! lol
December 8, 2010 at 11:13 pm
I am still cackling over this. absolutely classic! pssst, are V & Bones by any chance covered in oil? *mind wanders* LOL
December 8, 2010 at 11:32 pm
Now Adam, now Hawke, now Clay and Derek!
On Garreth! On Vane! On Bran and Erik!
I'm impressed you didn't send the whole poem with this – as I would have!
Hilarious. I nearly choked when I reached…um..well, you know.
Serena
December 9, 2010 at 2:20 am
LOVED your poem!! And I love 'Smexymas'. LMAO.
December 9, 2010 at 2:24 am
He had a broad face, and a tight, firm belly,
I wanted to lick him all over all covered in jelly.
LOL!!
December 9, 2010 at 4:16 am
LMAO! damn, that's brilliant lol
December 9, 2010 at 4:35 am
Ho, ho, ho and ha, ha, ha!
Love it!
December 9, 2010 at 4:45 am
ROFLOL! That was brilliant Mandi! Can't wait for Smexymas
December 9, 2010 at 7:51 am
Thanks everyone…glad you enjoyed smexy claus!
December 9, 2010 at 9:47 am
Genius! Abso-f*cking-Genius!
December 9, 2010 at 9:04 pm
That was awesome! Totally made my night!
December 10, 2010 at 7:30 pm
It seriously took me 5 minutes to read that poem!
Best. Poem. Eva.
*wipes tears of face from laughing so hard*
December 16, 2010 at 12:57 pm
That was awesome. Totally just made my day!