People are often surprised to learn I have a day job outside my career as an author of romantic comedy. The surprise has less to do with expectations about my income and time management, and more to do with an assumption that I should not be allowed in public unsupervised.
I can’t fault the observation.
It’s true I write romantic comedy, as opposed to more serious romances about love and loss and longing. Still, I think it’s safe to say that if you threw a party and invited a bunch of romance novelists across all sub-genres, the odds of someone doing something immoral or embarrassing are about the same as the odds of someone having an illicit tryst in your bathroom.
Actually, that sounds like a fun party.
With that in mind, here are five reasons you can’t take a romance author anywhere.
Watch out or you’ll end up in my novel
I’m going to start things off with a big confession about romance authors—we steal. I don’t mean your flatware or the contents of your medicine cabinet (though I don’t rule it out if you’ve got some of those mango flavored condoms).
Romance authors steal mannerisms, expressions, and characteristics of people we meet. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it until weeks later when we realize our heroine is tossing her hair exactly the way a co-worker does.
I’m especially guilty of stealing names, a habit with some awkward repercussions. Recently, I gave one of my romantic comedy heroes the same first name as my husband’s boss. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t also made him look and act a lot like the real guy.
I didn’t fully grasp what I’d done until I found myself seated across from him at the company’s holiday party, trying desperately not to confess that I know exactly what he looks like naked.
Also, that swirly thing he does with his tongue? Ah-may-zing. At least in my imagination.
Tell me all about yourself, and please speak slowly
When we’re not stealing names and mannerisms, romance authors are busy filing away your personal information as we make small talk. Favorite topics of conversation? Tell me how you met your significant other and what you two squabble about.
It’s true, romance authors are always on the lookout for new meet-cutes and plots. We might take a juicy detail from real life, strip it naked, put it in a box with a sexy little bit of our ownimagination, close the lid, and let the two things hump like bunnies to make brilliant little plot babies.
The upside? You can pretty much ignore the social rules that tell you not to discuss your sex life with strangers. We’re all ears. And, uh . . . other body parts.
Sorry for what we did on the balcony when we thought no one was looking
Romance authors are tasked with creating compelling love scenes that are creative, realistic, and breathtakingly exciting. Often, that means we’re crafting sexy scenes that take place in exotic locales or forbidden public places.
Ever wondered how we research scenes like that? Stop wondering. And, uh, don’t open the coat closet, okay?
Put down the @#$% pen!
Please forgive the romance author at your dinner party if she spontaneously drops her fork, whips out a notepad, and begins to scribble furiously. Odds are good she’s just been struck with a brilliant plot idea and needs to write it down before she forgets.
Either that, or she’s got one of those cool vibrating pens. If she drops it in her lap, it’s best to avert your eyes.
Even the non-vibrating pens can make other dinner guests nervous as they sit and ponder, “is she writing about me?”
The answer? Probably. Sorry about that.
Everything sounds dirty if you say it right
I’m not talking about “pass the butter,” though I suppose even that’s dirty if you’ve seen Last Tango in Paris. I’m talking about little utterances that might escape the notice of normal people, but would not be lost on a romance author with a finely-tuned sense of sexy innuendo.
More than once, I’ve been forced to muffle giggles with a napkin when someone remarks on the terrific spread or the tenderness of a breast. If children are present at the meal and someone commands one not to play with his meat, I guarantee you I will lose it.
I once attended a romance author convention that capped things off with a formal awards ceremony. You haven’t really lived until you’ve watched 400 women in cocktail dresses simultaneously snicker the moment the host begins, “Thank you all for coming.”
Tawna Fenske is an author of quirky romantic comedies, including newly-released Best Man for Hire from Entangled Publishing.
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Author Email: tawnafenske@yahoo.com
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This is an author that I’ve been wanting to try for a while. I follow her on Twitter and I think she is hilarious. I need to get one of her books and just do it.
Hilarious! I am going to have to check out Tawana’s books.
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