Trouble in Cowboy Boots by Desiree Holt
Series: Sequins, Saddles and Spurs, #1
Contemporary Romance
(Originally published in 2010 – reedited and revised)

Was he going to do it tonight? Was he at last going to fuck her in the ass?

WTF. Like I  mean Whaaaaat Theeeeee Fuuuuuuuuuucc*.  This was so not what I anticipated. Trouble in Cowboy Boots is billed as a romance. Adult, erotica, contemporary, light BDSM romance.

Stranded in Mesa Blanco, Texas, with no money and no prospects, Emily Lathrop hires on as the cook at the Lazy Aces Ranch. Two problems-she can’t cook, and owner Wyatt Cavanaugh is so hot she nearly burns herself just standing near him. Trying to keep her hormones under control is a problem when Wyatt seduces her into his bed and teaches her the real meaning of erotic love.Now proper Emily finds herself shockingly addicted to the BDSM games he likes to play, her body craving the bondage and domination that pushes her thermostat past the point of combustion even though she suspects it’s all going to come crashing down any moment with a big, painful thud.

But that is not what I got.

What I got were eyeballs full of WTF.  So much wrong. So so…wrong.

First the novel begins with the heroine, Emily and a gaggle of TSTL (too stupid to live) girlfriends who decided (because they are TSTL) to embark on a road trip in a dumpster bucket of a haphazard, barely running decades old ass Cadillac on its last leg. They become stranded in a honky tonk town and meet a few hot cowboy fellas in a bar.  The cowboys are connected and hero (zero) Wyatt helps secure Emily lodging and employment with him at his property Lazy Aces..  By the end of chapter one all of the ladies are settling into their new digs and gigs and by chapter two, Wyatt is propositioning Emily and being an overall creep.

“You have outstanding nipples. I’ll bet they would look unbelievable with clamps tightened on them.”

“C-clamps?” she stuttered.

“Uh-huh.” He licked first one then the other. “Haven’t you ever worn nipple clamps? Hasn’t some man been so turned on by them that he just had to find the right ones to tighten on them?”

“It-it sounds like it would hurt.” She wanted to be afraid but a streak of something dark and erotic flashed through her.

“It hurts good, sugar. Real good. I think you’d love it. And I’d sure love to see it.”

…

The look in his eyes made her heart race and her nerves fire. “I’d like to take a picture of that sweet little puss,” he rasped. “Keep it with me so I can pull it out and look at it any time I want.” The muscles in her cunt quivered and liquid trailed from her vagina. She would have been embarrassed at how wet she was if she hadn’t been so turned on. And he’d hardly done anything yet.

Record scratch. All of that happened at the onset of chapter two right on the heels of their first kiss. His lips are barely on hers and he’s asking about nipple clamps in the next breath. There was nothing seductive about Wyatt. He was like an emotional battering ram with a dick on the end. Thirty eight, with unresolved mommy/daddy issues and seemingly unable to control himself.

Literally 0-660. There was no romantic build up, not even a cursory insta love, just bam, first kiss and he’s already asking about her vag access and BDSM kink.

Ugh.

It felt so pussy grabby that I was turned off and from that moment on got the super creep vibe from Wyatt, which killed him as a hero for me because smarmy heroes just don’t do it for me, in any capacity.  I couldn’t even see him in scenes without fixating on his creep assness and I decided that along with being smarmy, he was probably one of those halitosis, mouth breathing, jabby tongued, excessive saliva, loud smacking followed by belabored breathing kisses.  I didn’t care about his lame BDSM (and I like light BDSM! Robbed, I was robbed I tell you), I didn’t take Emily’s word for it as she swooned over Wyatt because by then she was such an unreliable character and the fact that she continued to be attracted to Wyatt in any capacity and let him kiss and touch her, further reinforced her TSTL classification-  hard.

There is a loose plot of Wyatt introducing Emily to his world of BDSM though, Wyatt already turned me off so the sex scenes were yuck and unremarkable. The story also briefly features her friends hooking up and starting relationships with other cowboy guys in town (sorry, I didn’t care about Wyatt’s friends because they deferred to him and as a result are painted with his repulsive brush).   Then for no reason at all, as an absolutely lame plot device, Wyatt intends to and nearly take another woman to bed (to do more of his jabby tongued, mouth breathing, halitosis slobber kissing, no doubt) and Emily just get mad and black out drunk about it. He barely apologizes, and why would he, Emily is so hot to have him in her bed again, she just takes his unfaithful actions in stride (TSTL!).

Oh yeah, I’d be remiss to forget to at least confirm there is a love declaration.

“No more garbage about leaving.” His voice was firm.

“No more Diana?” she asked. He smacked her bottom.

“Don’t even bring her up.” She smiled to herself.

“Then no more leaving.” “Ever,” he insisted.

“Ever,” she agreed, and smiled to herself. Why would she want to leave when at last she had everything she wanted right here?

W.T.F.

This is how it ends. And no spoiler alert. Screw that. This is my hill and I decide where I die.  You simply have to know that their “HEA” is a total and utter farce and literally the morning after Emily sobers up and following the night Wyatt  attempted to cheat and get his cock wet and at the eleventh hour, realizes he does’t want to dominate the rando broad Diana after-all.

There is *no* growth, no redemption, not even a decent grovel. Just some anal and a few ass slaps and a lame growly “Don’t leave/ever.”  And Emily is all, “yeah!”

W.T.F

This is  supposed to be book 1 in a series, I’m bailing.

Grade: F

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